condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My safe word is Worcestershire
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*