Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

🙁

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on