Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
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i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program