Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?