“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Midwest trash talk
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
The French word for sex is croissant.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that