Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

We’ve come full circle

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with