Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

I am also baked goods