Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

you will never know the true number of layers

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

the three best gummy flavors, together at last