Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
