Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
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{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
lot going on here, legally speaking.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are