Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

This is always good for a laugh.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

the internet really was better 18 years ago

why do i always pick the shopping cart built by a drunken intern

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.