Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.