Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
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Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
shazam but for random noises outside
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Venn
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers