Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

I thought this was funny lol

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.