Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
6: are snakes just neck?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”