[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
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Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent