Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.

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[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*


Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.


Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand


My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.


I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons


WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first


A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth


God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.


Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.


thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent