So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
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My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.