Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

Smooooooth

You got this…

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.