Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

Whoa 😂

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

waiting for halloween be like: