Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

no one ever comes back

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won