CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
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People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*