CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
How to find Kentucky on a map
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Schrödinger’s cookie
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
