Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
You Might Also Like
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Leaving the Barbers like
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
omg leave her alone
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.