Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan