Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

be safe out there!

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda