Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

the simulation is moving too fast

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.