Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

i just found this in my phone

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo