Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!