“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’