[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
