[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
A Match(.com), but for socks.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I never needed anything more in my life
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
