Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof