Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

*pronounces patio like ratio

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.