Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

excuse me

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

How times have changed.

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

no one ever comes back

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for