Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Breaking news:

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.