Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
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My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.