Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
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[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.