Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
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DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist