Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

This one, by a wide margin

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

The game has officially changed 😎