Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

mentally somewhere in italy

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.