Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
You can’t rush stupid.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?