Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human