confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Sunday
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins