confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I’m having an out of money experience.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Happy Febuary everyone!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.