confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*