confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
drew a comic about my origin story
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating