confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
