Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

A collection of me turning into random objects.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

😎

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

Donkey Kong sommelier

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.