[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
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wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.