Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.