[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
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Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.