Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!