Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.