Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

😆this is so true

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

ㅤ