Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

get you a girl who

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

Fixed this for Shakespeare

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020