[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
That was easy.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
so much to do
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.