@brynnester

[Confession]
Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part

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@SJSchauer

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

@graceful_asfuck

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

@rebrafsim

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

@yenniwhite

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

@JerkVening

Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.

@MauriceBlitz

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

@briangaar

Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.

@DanMentos

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

@david8hughes

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.