Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

me hooking up with my ex

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

what is cheese if not milk persevering

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

I’m half potato on my dad’s side