Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

My guardian angel deserves a raise

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*