Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

My current situation

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

good news everyone

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.