Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Good news

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.