Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”