Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
when you don’t want to be too vague
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.