Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
This meeting could have been a pajama party.