Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
![]()
You Might Also Like
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Real House Wines.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.