@Slims_Ramblings

Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.

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@Holy_Mowgli

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

@Reverend_Scott

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

@jaxwax04

[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!

@LizHackett

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

@AimeeHelene1

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

@AIcohoIgames

Oh, you’ve already put up your Christmas tree?

That’s nothing. I’m already drunk for St. Patrick’s Day.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

@BossyBritches72

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

@Ristolable

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

@NotthatAdamWest

When did intentionally misspelling words become a thing? Kewl? Gurl? You know what I dig? Literacy.