Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.

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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB


[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t


[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!


Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.


Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*


Oh, you’ve already put up your Christmas tree?

That’s nothing. I’m already drunk for St. Patrick’s Day.


Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.


Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.


A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes


When did intentionally misspelling words become a thing? Kewl? Gurl? You know what I dig? Literacy.